I like Giving, and I Do Not

Helping people warms my heart, however I can do it unwisely at times, or I can choose not to do it because I want to satisfy myself.

Let’s use money for example. I like buying stuff for people, but I hardly do it because my allowance is not very friendly with that idea. But sometimes I betray my wallet and overgive which, coupled with my overspending, lands me in a debt situation at the end of the month. And I start rethinking why I was generous in the first place, and mind you, when I give, it’s not that I even a lot all the time, which is fascinating. My impulse is to think that if I had not given out that amount, I would be in good condition at the moment, not considering the numerous way I misspent through out the month. And I misspend because I don’t budget, or if I do, I don’t stick to it. So my lovely friend suggested talking to our senior pastor’s wife about budgeting and I did that yesterday. Such a beautiful thing, community. On the flip side though, I can choose to not give out money because I think that if I do, I will be at a loss later on. Sometimes, that’s okay and sometimes that’s not. But let’s move on to another aspect of this: food.

I like giving people to eat the food I make. If it is the food I bought? Not so much, because I know it is limited. I like making people’s tummies full, but that is when I have created more than enough for my tummy to eat 🙂 (I clearly have an issue right?) But it’s a bit ironic because I would actually prefer to starve than not provide money for my friend who wants to eat, that is, if the starving will come later. As in, I can choose to give a lot to someone now, even though that may mean I will not have enough for later to feed myself, but if it is in the moment, like sis, it’s like we gon’ have to share this meal together even though my heart somewhat breaks at the fact that I wouldn’t be as full. This is why I said I like to give, and I do not.

My heart actually really needs some genuine generosity training from the Holy Spirit.

But there are lessons I am learning. Number 1, my belly is a struggling idol of mine. I can overspend because I just want to satisfy it, and my heart is also not fully happy when my ration is shortened by sharing. Number 2, budgeting provides freedom. Freedom to spend within a certain range and freedom to give out without speculating if it would turn out to have been a good decision later on. Thanks senior pastor’s wife! Now time to get on with that proper budgeting!

I doubt I really explained this aspect of myself in depth which may leave some of you confused, but if it makes things better, I am confused by myself as well, which clearly shows itself in my writing at times. If you’re a regular at this blog, I think you have probably picked up on this by now.

Anyway, have a lovely day beautiful people. xx


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