Hey, it’s me again and I feel like a mess.
You’re probably tired of me talking about my struggles all the time, but I feel weird, stuck, impulsive, yet in a state of inertia, unable to do anything productive. My room is a terrible mess, my clothes are scattered, my eating habits are bad bad, and my spending habits? Absolutely horrendous. Then my relationship with God is pretty stiff and in a hurried like manner, if that makes sense.
I feel like I’m in a rut. Talking about God yet doing things that don’t please Him. Watching an unhelpful movie, being impatient with my friend, engaging in acts that are grey areas that in my heart, I am not convinced they are right, not paying attention in classes, rushing through my Bible and not really focusing as I’m reading/listening to it, eating impulsively, and generally spending my time unwisely.
I look at myself in the mirror and feel so bad for myself. How did I fall off the wagon and when did I fall off?
Mentally, my mind is not organized and I feel this is somewhat linked to my room. My room being all over the place seems to restrict me from doing other things and my room has not been fully arranged for the past two months now or so, and during this same time span, my relationship with God, prayer, journaling and Bible reading has also been inconsistent and scattered and almost non-existent on some days. During this same time span, I fell out of my okay eating habits that I was just getting better in and I now eat without restriction, regardless of nutritional information, regardless of calories, regardless of if I am truly hungry or not for the most part. I eat because I want to eat and I hardly ever feel hungry. I look at myself in the mirror and feel so bad for myself. How did I fall off the wagon and when did I fall off? Would like remain like this?
I don’t even know what to do anymore. It seems I’m stuck in a cycle: feeling like changing then resolving back to the old and I continue like that. Openly saying the right things to my mentors sometimes, but not executing them. I know I shouldn’t be, but sometimes, I am weary of telling them my struggles because I feel they expect me to be in a better place, to have grown, but I keep stalling, complaining about the same things. I’m in tears just thinking about how I am disappointing them, and what just crossed my mind is how my actions are grieving God even more.
Perhaps this isolation in my room is doing me good so far and will do me some more good for the next 4 days. It’s making me think. I can’t leave my room to temporarily escape the ‘scatteredness’ of my room, to escape the ‘scatteredness’ of my mind. Jogging with music blasting through my ears to make me feel good in the moment but returning to a dump few minutes later. I cannot escape. I have to deal with this. I do. Things have to change. I have said this before but there is nothing wrong in saying it again. Things have to change. I want to change but it seems my desire for change is less than my desire to stay comfortable in stagnation.
Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changeTony Robbins
January 12 2021 is the day something shifted in my heart, and in my mind. Was it because of a girl I watched on YouTube struggling with food that stirred up my heart? Was it me wasting time watching a very violent movie from a terrible site? Or perhaps the scary way I have spent money on food over the past few days? Was it this isolation period, or was it the way I have been passive with God? I am not sure I know but what I acknowledge is that I refuse to remain here.
I would not mention the changes that can be measured with a specific point in time that I plan to carry out, until they have been carried out. But I plan to update you in areas that I feel lead to, on my journey to a better health, spiritually, mentally, and physically.
Thank you for hearing me out.
I wish you a lovely day, or night, wherever you may be xx.