Written Jan 4 2020.
Things have been weighing on my heart. Things about mistakes, things that should not have been that I have caused to be. Even though the year is still fresh, my memories did not go through a reset. Memories of feelings are still there, memories of the things that tempt me still remain, memories of my struggles from last year are as clear as day.
What do I do with these worries? Make resolutions all over again? No. Dwell and mop about them all the more? No. Pray about them when I’ve been sort of neglecting Bible reading? Yes. I have prayed and I will again. I will seek to know my Father more through His Word and communication with Him. But like Preston Perry once said, God has a way of using people to get to people. Hence, why we share the gospel and the Spirit doesn’t just randomly change someone’s heart. All this to say that I need to go to a believer about this.
I’m weary of talking it out with a friend though. I’m worried I might be judged but I know I wouldn’t. I’m also worried they would advice me against what my flesh wants to do, which is precisely what I need to do: go against it. Fight with all my might- I repeat, all my might, not a measily decision making, because it is a war.
But to be honest with you, it’s hard to do the right thing when most of everything in me wants to go the opposite way. What’s worse, dramas I watch put me in my feels and wish for something I shouldn’t be wishing for, but I still watch it. Perhaps I should stop watching the drama, because it even makes me lose sleep and I became sort of a slave to it. Last night, after abruptiong stopping the drama due to lack of sleep, I go on IG and see Jackie Hill Perry post something about not being dominated by anything. The way God works. Thank You Lord for this platform because now I have truly decided to stop watching these dramas, for the upteenth time. They are harmful to my soul, no matter how PG they may seem.
So this is is me trying to clear my head on my way to a friend’s house to screen our church’s online prayer meeting together. After the meeting, I’m probably going to come clean about my struggles and hear what she has to say. More likely than not, I will cry but that wouldn’t surprise her too much. I am a cry baby sometimes. Thank you for listening to me.
Have a lovely day, or night, wherever you may be. xx