Love and my Heart

Today my heart hurt. It hurt, but not as much as it did the day before, but I’ll talk on that later. Today I was angry though. And I was also sad. I tried to hold it all in. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to vent out all my anger on my friend who didn’t do exactly what I told her to, which affected me badly. She did some part of what I asked her to, but didn’t do the crucial part of which I seriously stressed to her and this cost me studying properly for my quiz.

I also found it very annoying, to be honest, because we’ve dealt with this issue numerous time before. I had to hold myself back from lashing out and even apologized if I had spoken to her wrongly, before the moment really passed because I knew that I was partly at fault too.

First off, why didn’t I utilise my time properly prior to the quiz day, in order to study well? Even though my week was pretty packed, the little here and there visiting to YouTube took a great deal of my time, even though they were edifying videos that I watched. All things are lawful, but not all things are good. Moreover, however I choose to feel is my fault and not hers and I believe it’s between me and the Holy Spirit to deal with that hurt. Although, apologies are indeed helpful. And above all, I am called to love.

People make mistakes. I’ve made mistakes before. I have wronged her and she’s done likewise, although two wrongs don’t and shouldn’t make a right. The point I’m just trying to stress is that we are imperfect creatures living in a fallen world.

Love was what kept Christ on the cross.

Christ is what and Who makes the difference. I don’t think she’s saved but I know I am and I realise that just because I am sinful by nature, doesn’t excuse my sin. I am responsible for the actions that I take, which includes getting easily angered, being impatient, exhibiting a horrid attitude and their likes. And as I have been loved by Christ even through my countless REPEATED sins, so also should I, to everyone.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

While those verses didn’t come to mind at that moment, later I found it incredibly helpful when met with similar situations. Love is first patient. The Lord is patient with me. He has shown me mercy and given me time to repent and escape judgement, so who exactly do I think I am to withhold such opportunity from another? As in, like how dare me not be patient and merciful with others, when they are even ultimately sinning against God and not really me, if they indeed wronged me? Besides, it’s just a quiz, although that’s hard to sit with.

I do find it hard to forget past wrongs though so I just pray God helps me let it go and not be so self-righteous at the same time, thinking I’m above reproach or falling to sin/mistakes.

Oh and the quiz went terribly by the way. [>~<]

When I found out as the teacher was doing the correction, I cried afterward. I was scared of not getting an A at the end of the day. I kept replaying how the alarm issue possibly resulted in this mess. I kept thinking about how I should have listened in class thoroughly so my studying would have just been a reviewing. Many scenarios continued dancing through my head and it was making me restless. I had a midterm exam after this certain class in three hours, of which I also hadn’t studied, so I was worrying. I had to cut short my quiet time in order to study. I was fearful of failure; failure in a wordly thing, academics. This feeling wasn’t new to me. I know it’s a current and has been an ongoing struggle for me: dangerous attachment to grades. It eats my sleep and takes over my mind and time. Praise God for a slow yet steady growth in this struggle though. I learnt that whenever I go through these phases, scriptures help best. So I researched and found a testimony like page where someone pointed out scriptures that helped with his/her exam time.

~ Open your Bible, for therein lies the true treasures of the heart ~

One reminded me how to trust in the Lord, and lay my burdens and worries at his feet, praying and asking Him to work a miracle in my grades, but also thanking Him for all He has done. Peace was guaranteed through this and I wanted to be rid of the resentment and sadness in my heart, so I seriously yet silently prayed to God in my head over the quiz and my heart.

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.
5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;
6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7 ESV

Another refreshed my memory that all things are impossible with man, but possible with God. Although the context was referring to those who will be saved.

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26 ESV

There was one which instilled in me again the need to work as though we work for God, with all our hearts, because He is glorified in that. So, while this particular quiz may have not gone well, God willing, there is still time to study heartily and diligently for the future tests.

23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,
24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Colossians 3:23-24 ESV

Moreover, other verses told me to fix my eyes on the things unseen and not seen. That grades last only but for a while but the Kingdom of God is forever.

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Plus, even if I still don’t get an A, I’m refreshed and encouraged over the testimony of God in that He remains faithful, and so I will praise Him. And that He also works out things together for the good of those who love Him, the good and the ‘bad’.

17 If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.
18 But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

Daniel 3:17-18 ESV, emphasis added

if we are faithless, he remains faithful- for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13 ESV

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 ESV

Oh and the midterm went beautiful.

Praise God.

Have a lovely day Saints. 🕊

*Featured and inserted photos are not mine. They are gotten from the internet.


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