I have feelings. They are not bad. It simply depends on what I do with them. So what do I do with them? I know I can be in a relationship, but I don’t need one now. I know this; I know it would not be good for me at the moment, but at times, I can’t help but crave it.
Perhaps, you reading this, you see it as weird that an 18 year old is openly talking about dating, when there are other things to be worrying about. I know and I agree. However, why did I re-start this blog? To share my struggles and be transparent; For this to be a place where you can see perhaps, yourself in me, and resonate.
And so here’s the deal. Let me tell you a little back story.
When I was younger, I wasn’t a very good girl on the inside but that’s what I portrayed myself to be. I secretly dated when I was in high school, at the age of 13, and was with this guy till we graduated, which was when I was 15. The summer after we were done with high school, we ended it out of a mutual understanding of soulmates. ha, lol. But please spare me, I wasn’t a Christian then. Going into details would make this too long so to cut the story short, during the time I was ‘transitioning’ into Christiandom, I solidly cut things with my h.s. boyfriend because we were still kind of dating and this weighed on my conscience (yeah, of course, I was dating without permission). The ironic thing is that I developed a strictly virtual, non-sexual fling with his close friend and my kinda close friend from high school, for about two months or so. Yeah, and so you’re probably thinking, so why on earth did she break up, just to get with another guy, still without authorization? yeah, I agree with your thoughts and my previous self soon came to this realisation as well and when she did, she cut it up straight. Do not be mistaken though, I ended things with guy B not really because of permission, but because it was not an edifying relationship. He was not a Christian and so our conversations were not building up for me.
Nevertheless, that experience made me think about my feelings…a lot. I knew I still had feelings for my ‘ex’ because I mean, we were together for three years, but I found myself having feelings for guy B as well and I was confused. Can someone like two people at the same time or was I confused just because I was spending an incredulous amount of time chatting with this guy B?
And then I realised that yes indeed, it was possible to like two people at the same time but it can never be to the same degree. But that aside, I also realised that I tend to grow feelings for people that I spend a lot of time with. It was what happened with the ex, a guy before the ex, another guy during the ex dating period (yeah, but I dismissed it because I think I was confused by constant interaction), the guy B, and also recently with two guys during my current University time…yeah, at times, me too, I question where my priorities lie considering the amount of people I fall for.
Stay tuned for part 2 xx
Have a lovely day saints!