Something Doesn’t Seem Right and I’m Confused

For a long period of time, I’ve been having an underlying feeling that something just isn’t right with this blog. I’ve tried to change the theme but no other one seems to fit. The name of this blog as well doesn’t cut it anymore. ‘Savvy Bloom’? It isn’t all that bad but it’s not all that as well. Plus it’s already been taken by another website, so I’m changing it. To what? I’m not yet sure but that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me.

I looked through my previous posts from the time when I was legalistic and just wrote for the sake of writing every day for thirty days straight. They were so bad that I didn’t even know how and from where I would start re-editing them so I deleted the majority of them. Why? Because even though I plastered bible verses here and there, they weren’t truly Christ centered. As I go through them over and over again, I see that they don’t even look right neither do they speak truth…well, some of them. It’s as if the readers could feel my annoyance toward myself, as well as others who didn’t live for Christ like they claimed to love Him. Hardly anything I posted seemed grounded in love, as a Christian should be. The so called poems even lacked the structure to be called poems in themselves. They lacked effort. I simply forgot who I was doing it for. In fact, perhaps I deceived myself in the first place who I wanted the blog to be for. I claimed that it was for Christ and doing every day things in life rooted in Christ, all for His glorification. But I wanted glorification as well. I wanted people to see the fact that I ran a blog. I also sought the likes of people on my posts. I put all sorts of tags, not solely so that people would find out more about Christ but would also maybe like my posts. And when I saw that poetry got more than the other types, I stuck to writing poetry more. And even though it sucked, people liked it, and so I wrote even more.

All in all, I forgot who I was. I forgot my identity and I didn’t know my purpose and I am indeed still struggling to find it. I am a Christian but why was I created? Why was Serena Hephzibah Onwuka created? I have so many questions but I can’t seem to get answers to them.

Why do I compare my life to other true Christians? Why do I look at myself as inadequate compared to them, as if it’s my works that save me? Why isn’t my desire for Christ as much as theirs seem to be? Why can’t I speak in tongues like they do? Why don’t I seem to hear God’s voice and direction like they do? Why don’t I seem as loving, transparent and truthful as they are? Why do I see myself as fake sometimes? Why do they seem so pure compared to the filthy thoughts I have? Aren’t I a Christian as well? When would these vile and lustful thoughts stop? When would I suddenly be fully trusting in the Lord? Why do I fail to do so at times? Why do I faintly depend on my own works? Why do I also at times, neglect the grace of God and don’t even feel obliged to do His will? Why doesn’t every thing seem settled? And why does the devil try to deceive me with lies? Why does he want me to question my salvation?

Of some of these, I have gotten answers from the Bible, some I know why although the answers aren’t explicitly stated in the Bible but for the rest, I’m still baffled. I’m still going to talk to my Father about these and keep asking until I get answers. In the mean time, I don’t know exactly what to do with this blog except consecrate it to the Lord, as I didn’t do so when I started it late 2018. I didn’t even ask Him if I should start it. I just did because people told me to and I wanted to. But I thank the Lord that I see it now. I am delighted because then I was blind, but now I see. I see that the way I lived was not truly in Him and for Him. Although I have these questions, I know I’m still His child. And whatever may come my way, He will hold me fast.

Lord help me.

Have a good day/night.🌹

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